Did you know that feeling angry is not “bad”? Conflict and anger is not something that always has to be negative. Often times, we tend to shy away from those that are angry or from expressing our anger, because it can be “frowned upon” by others.
The issue is not “feeling” angry. The issue is often how we show and express our anger. The yelling, slamming, and hitting things for example, is more of the challenge then just feeling angry. Have you ever seen the Emjoi movie? Anger has a poor reputation in that movie.
Anger and conflict have their benefits. It tells us that something may not be working and that there may be a need for change. It tells us that we have a need that is not be fulfilled and that maybe something is wrong…and it can be very motivating when something is not working and we are trying to figure it out – feeling the frustration can push us towards a solution.
Anger is a secondary emotion. It is often fueled from other feelings, such as frustration, disappointment, or fear. For example, has anyone ever jumped out and scare you – and then you yell at them? Or you come home and the dishes are not done and your frustrated or disappointed and you express your anger? Anger is often the behaviour that people see. “Ohhh look at them…they are mad”. The display of anger does not communicate the need or the root cause. Think of the anger iceberg, all you see is the tip, not the underlying issue.
It takes empathy and patience to consider what may be upsetting someone. It also takes some practice to recognize that your own anger may need to be expressed in a more helpful way. We can start by not making judgements or assumptions, and instead, maybe we can be curious.
Emotion regulation and distress tolerance can be helpful in managing our expression of anger. Ask your therapist about techniques to help.
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